Oh boy. Sorry about that.
I totally missed April.
The weather was… confusing. Given where we live, my system went into automatic a-wooga waltz shutdown. And by that, I mean it was sunny, and I just wasn’t expecting it. So an early bit of laying low ensued. I will still be disappearing in a couple of months time, so, just saying.
And before I get on to what I wanted to talk about, I just have to tell you this…
Today, I had a case of Town Nous & Country Nous.
On the way back from the beach with the furbaby, a couple of lads headed towards us, trainers and hoodies at full mast. I stepped back the regulation 2 metres/6 feet. Where I used to live, it would have been for safety’s sake. As in personal safety because we lived in a heavily bilingual area. And by that, I mean English and Anglo-Saxon. Mostly Anglo-Saxon, judging by the adult-content blue air that sat like a Victorian smog outside our flat. I recall once getting an R-rated mouthful from one young ‘lady’ simply because I’d had the cheek to shut my own bedroom window.
Imagine the nerve of me!
How rude!
And as if she wanted to make sure that I had actually shut the offending pane & frame, she began throwing things at said window, including pebbles, unwanted chips (fries), and a couple of beer bottles.
Changing the subject (sort of), I was in a shop once when a Probation Officer tore in, asking the assistant for breath mints – the stronger the better, as her client was due in court within the half hour on drinking related charges, and her whole case depended on her client’s not having touched a drop of alcohol in several months.
Which was true.
He’d been drinking it fast, from a bottle. Absolutely no physical contact involved – it wasn’t even touching the sides on the way down. Nerves were to blame. Dutch courage and so on. Breath mints were poo-pooed (though that would definitely have covered the smell of booze, with the added benefit of him then having plenty of space in the holding cell if things went awry). Cheese and onion crisps – the cheaper and nastier, the better – were decided upon. I do wonder how his case went. I genuinely hope things turned out well for him. We all make mistakes. For some people, it’s wearing sandals when rain is forecast, but for other, they can be true life changers.
But anyway, back to these two lads. We stepped out of their way and waited for them to go past, and in the back of my mind, there was at least one brain cell that was in Town Nous mode, expecting a mouthful. Luckily, that one brain cell was outnumbered by a whole continent of others, who then delighted in being proved right. The furbaby wandered over (she’s such a nosy little madam), her tail wagging. They petted her, called her gorgeous and said ‘hi’ to me. So lovely.
Take that, Town Nous!
Victory for the continent of brain cells!
We’ve been living here nearly four years now, so you’d have thought that my brain would have left behind the expectations that I’d learned in my previous home. As a vampire, you learn to be very wary of everything and everyone. But I’m getting there. I do have to keep telling myself you’re not living in that town anymore…
Be the continental brain cell, not the shouty one who blames everything on everything and always expects the worst, so is rarely disappointed.
I love where I live.
But, on to what I really wanted to talk about. Although, now, I guess there isn’t that much to say. I just wanted to talk about the garden. I planted some plants out way too early. The poor cucumbers are shadows of their former selves and will need to be replaced. I was good – honest! I waited for the last frost and everything!
Did you know about the whole ‘last frost‘ thing?
I didn’t. But it’s a thing. After that date, it should be safe to put stuff out. So I did. And I even put fleece over it. Not the type you wear, obviously, but some floaty, gauzy stuff that you’re supposed to put down to keep the seedlings warm and safe from birds.
Huh.
Put fleece down, they said.
It’ll protect your plants from birds, they said.
Nope. I’ll tell you what it does. It distracts the birds from the plants. And what they don’t tell you is that, at the exact same time you’re putting this cobwebby stuff over your plants to protect them, the birds have got their own DIY home renovation project going and they’re gleefully ripping the fleece to shreds to line their nests with. Because it’s that time of year, isn’t it?
And meanwhile, the slugs are sneaking in and having a flipping field day. Literally. I wouldn’t mind, but I’ve yet to see a slug in the garden. They seem to prefer my bathroom. Second only to my bathroom are my dwarf bean plants that are rapidly turning into twigs while my back is turned.
And now I’m wondering…
Are the slugs and birds in it together? Is one lot running interference for the other?
“Tell you what, Fred. Let me get on with demolishing the beans. And while she’s standing there, looking all stupid and sticking more plants in, you fly in and help yourself to that fluffy stuff. We’ll both come out of this winners.”
Let’s just call it a learning curve.
And that title? It’s from one of the worst dad jokes of all time. A proper groaner. And for anyone who needs an explanation, click here. But why, I’m not sure.
“Can February March? Because April May.”
See you next month!
The Everyday Vampire 