Did I ever mention the OCD?
I’m not sure I did.
Vampires have it. Big time.
The thing is, nobody’s ever called it that before. Yes, we have our issues, just like you. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder just happens to be one of them.
Why call it disorder?
What an irony.
Disorder is the one thing we can’t stand. I mean, I say ‘we’ – once again I’m probably speaking for myself here. As ever, if there’s a fellow vampire out there that wants to contradict me, go ahead, make my day.
It really would make my day. Sometimes being a vampire is like being a traffic warden.
And just about as popular with the public at large (unless you count the airy-fairy ones you get in teen romances).
But at least we don’t have that “Come and egg me” uniform to contend with.
Where was I?
There’s a myth that the way to prevent a vampire from returning to its coffin it to scatter seeds everywhere. The vampire must stop and count each and every one before returning to the coffin, by which time, the sun comes up and – boof – it’s not the seeds you have to worry about, it’s the large vampire-shaped pile of dust you have to deal with.
Well, first of all…
- Coffins. Nuh-uh. I mean, Why? So restrictive.
- Sunlight. Painful, yes. Damaging, yes. But hoover-bothering pile dust-hill? I think not.
Ah, well. Ever eaten biscuits in bed? Could you sleep until you’ve extricated every. single. last. crumb from the sheets? No.
Same here. It plays out like this…
Mythical vampire: Ah! Some human has scattered seeds to prevent me from returning to my resting place. I must count them! One mustard seed, two mustard seed, three mustard seed, mwa-ha-ha…
Real vampire: Seriously?! I just hoovered, like twenty minutes ago! And now I have to do it all over again!
It’s not so much the seeds that bother me. Just little things out of place or not they should be…
- Phone receivers not put back quite right on the cradle
- Toilet seats left up (but that could also be a female thing)
- Items not tidy on a supermarket shelf (the amount of times shoppers have mistaken me for an employee and asked me where the beans are – why is it always beans?!)
- Picture frames not quite straight on a wall
- Stamps not squarely stuck on an envelope
- Wallpaper patterns that aren’t perfectly matched up
- Undone shoelaces
Oh, I’ve lost count of times I’ve walked past people and muttered ‘Shoelaces‘ at them! DO THEM UP!!!
And quit with the ‘jaunty’ angles! Put things straight! Has nobody ever heard of a – oh, what’s that thing you call with the bubble in it that helps you get a straight line? – Spirit Level! That’s it.
And if I can’t remember it, I can imagine that might be the issue with everyone else too. My mistake.
And now I have to go. Literally. I can see out of the corner of my eye that my clock isn’t hanging straight. When the ‘big hand’ says ‘o’clock’, it actually looks like 1 minute past… Gahhh!
Fetch me a ladder!
See you soon.