I’ve been making a study of this thing you humans call ‘social media’.
Got you thinking I’d gone all Mr Spock there for a moment…
That’s not it at all, obviously.
But I have been spending time on Ye Olde Sociale Media… e
Anti-social media, more like.
I’ve stuck the part 1 bit on there, because I know what’ll happen. I’ll get started and before long the post will be so lengthy your grandchildren will have to finish off reading it.
As it’s coming up to the time of year that I usually head for un-sunnier climes, I’ve been spending more time on the internet. All these platforms (that is the right word, yes?) are great ways of self-advertising, screaming out for attention and generally alienating the rest of the world.
I’ve read that they’re actually great tools for communication, sharing and building a brand, but frankly, I’ve seen more of my definition. I’m sure the general intent is probably meant to be more in line with the official stand, though.
Anyway, I’ve been watching and learning, and definite patterns emerge very quickly. And you know how I love my patterns. And my bright colours. And shiny things. Don’t forget the shiny things.
Why am I doing this?
Well, I guess we’ve all had moments where we’re feeling a bit low, vulnerable, and what doesn’t help is you’ve put so much energy in building an online following, only to check it and find your numbers have plummeted. So, this is to let you know you’re not alone in that feeling of disappointment. There’s a lot of others out there who know exactly what you’re dealing with. Because it can actually affect you humans more than you realise.
So… those five.
Well, there’s more, but these few will do for now. So let’s get started.
- Follow for follow
I’ve seen any number of these. Like the flu, they seem to come in waves, subtly changing with each fresh batch.
And by subtle, I mean as subtle as a smack in the face with a wet cod. Because that’s the level we’re at now, since everyone has routinely started uploading their every sneeze for all the world to see. But you have to admire their tenacity.
The tagline is always the same – follow me and I’ll follow you back. Here, here’s a list of 30,000 people to follow. And they’ll all follow you back.
Er… No they won’t.
Dude (is that still a word?), you’re following about 60,000 people! Are you really saying that you went to that entire list to find me just so you could unfollow me?! I guess I should be touched.
It’s more annoying when you only followed them back out of politeness. Because oh yes, I actually do have a deep and abiding interest in a company that manufactures those funny angled staples that hold cardboard boxes together. Where have you been all my life?!
You have about ten minutes to like/follow them back. But don’t worry if you can’t – they’ll be gone within a few hours anyway.
I heard someone once say that a following on social media is like your weight when you’re middle-aged – tending to fluctuate.
Oh, if only.
I’d say it’s more like an investment – ‘the value of your investment may go down as well as up.’
So, let’s say, a following is more like the sea when the tide is changing. There. Poetic, and it works both ways.
May your tide be always be coming in…