Is it summer yet?

 

Or did I miss it?

As you know, this is the time of year that I usually disappear to cooler climes. But I already live in cooler climes… although you’ve be forgiven for thinking that we’re somewhere near the equator today!

Plus disappearing off anywhere at the moment is a definite no-no. We were out earlier, giving the car its weekly run-out. Great excitement – we even had to fill up with petrol!

I need to get out more…

…says pretty much everyone at the moment.

Only we can’t.

Not everyone, everywhere, at any rate.

But if we can, we can, and if we can’t, we shouldn’t, so we don’t.

Huh?

Anyway!

And while we were queueing up to pay in one shop (because what else is anyone doing at the moment?), the cashier had to call “next please” a few times, and with increasing volume before the lady in front of us realised it was her turn to approach the till (with great caution, naturally).

Her response?

“Sorry! I was miles away.”

And I had to fight so hard to stop myself from replying “That’s probably the only traveling you’ll be doing for the next couple of months…”

You see, things are different here.

I know that in England, things are starting to relax a bit and humanity is starting to creep back outdoors and spread across the map again, with human-friendly places starting to re-open and folks starting to be able to congregate in a socially responsible manner but it’s different here. No creeping. No spreading. And definitely, definitely no congregating, no matter the levels of responsibility being shown.

So this year is going to be different.

Well, that’s an understatement, isn’t it?

This year, I’m staying put. But still disappearing, if only in the metaphysical sense. Because this year, I think that the world I’ll be running away from will probably end up on my doorstep.

Hello, over-excitable tourists. Hello, free-range grocklewuffs.

It should be a good summer. Should.

Stay safe. Be kind. Have fun.

I’ll probably speak to you again before I go off-grid. It’ll no doubt take me that long to find the grid.

The Wisdom Of Nostalgia

Or

4 Things My Mother Used To Say Constantly To Me When I Was A Kid That Now Annoyingly Make Sense

Ever catch yourself saying something and think ‘oh boy, I’m turning into my mum/dad’?’ Seriously, even if you don’t have kids. There’s things I find myself saying to the dog (yes, the dog!) and I have to stop myself and think, I can’t believe I just said that. Although, in fairness, that might also be precisely because I am talking to my dog or, more perturbing, the fact that she’s answering me. In disparaging grunts. I guess that’s where the word ‘disgruntled’ come from…

Does anyone else have a dog that’s a cross between a furry toddler and a fuzzy teenager? And are they ever gruntled? Anyway, I’ll leave you to guess which one of these I’ve said to my dog!

“Eat your greens”
Apart from anything, I find now as an adult that I actually love green vegetables. I also know that there’s an actual reason why small children don’t like the taste (or even the sight) of green vegetables. Dang, if only I’d known that when I was five. The Battle Of The Broccoli could have been won before the stuff had even stopped steaming on my plate. But now? Oh, those leafy greens. Those yummy vitamins and minerals. And oh, the annoyance of knowing the mother had a point.

“Look where you’re going!”
For so long I wondered ‘what does that even mean?!’ And then the great light of ‘duhh’ shone on me and I realised it means. exactly. what. it. says. How did it take me so long to reach enlightenment? I think watching pedestrians’ obsession with their mobile phones cleared that one up nicely. As the third/fourth/fifth person slammed into a lamppost while checking their phones, a lightbulb went on over my head. Actually, it was probably the lamppost, come to think of it. Either walk and focus, or stop and look. They are not interchangeable pairings.

“Don’t make that face. If the wind blows, you’ll stay that way.”
Okay, I’ve got nothing. Nothing. I have absolutely no idea why this one was (and continues to be) so popular. But for some reason, I’ll always associate this phrase with broad beans…

“You look with your eyes, not with your hands!”
The biological ramifications of this one blew my mind as a kid. Or bio-illogical… unless… was it just possible that there was a strange kind of mutant out there that could actually see with their hands? What would they look like? Were they magical beings with eyes in their hands?

Was it some kind of telepathic divination?

Nah.

The mother just wanted me to stop throwing baked beans and chocolate into the shopping trolley while she wasn’t looking. Or touching e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. on the shelves after she’d taken me out of the child seat in the trolley because I was single-handedly (I was using both hands, though) doubling their grocery bill.
And this is the one I kept hearing in my head more recently. Social distancing became the new normal. Gloves and masks became mandatory. Hand-washing became obligatory. Going into a shop meant only buying things I had bought previously because I couldn’t pick them up to read the labels. I couldn’t take the chance with my own health, and I certainly wouldn’t take the chance with anyone else’s. And that’s when it hit me. You look with your eyes, not with your hands.
“Oh! That’s what that means!”, quickly followed by “Oh. Dang!”

But I’m still hopeful about the telepathy mutant thing…