I realise I’ve spent a while talking about all stuff human but it’s been ages since I’ve said anything much about the world of vampires. Well, I say world, it’s probably more a windy coorner of a long-abandoned Street in a town that’s nobody ever heard in a country where nobody goes.
I talked about stuff like coffins, reflections, biting etc ages ago, back in early 2020. I meant to follow up fairly immediately. Honest. And then the rest of 2020 really kicked in. With hobnail boots. And then I forgot. And four years passed. Because they do.
Carpe Diem
No, I don’t mean “Fish of the Day”. Hahaha! I mean seizing the moment. The trouble is, actual moments feel too small to simply grab. If a vampire decides to ‘seize the day’ (sorry, that’s the proper translation of the phrase), they’d probably end up seizing a whole week. Or month, possibly. It’s like trying to grab a tomato pip out of a bowl of soup. Or that weird little fleck that always seems to end up in your drink and no matter how hard you try, it always manages to duck out of the way.
Time passing. Yes. think that’s something right there. Ever heard a song called “Enjoy Yourself, It’s Later Than You Think”? So I guess that’s a thing with humans too? Time passing by without realising? I know that it’s a bit of a thing when somebody says they’ll be ‘five minutes’ but they end up taking way, waaaay longer, but that’s not the same, is it? Or is it? I’d be curious to hear your (polite) opinion!
Quick recap:
Yes to reflections, no to coffins and aargh to sunlight (though no sparkling or turning to dust). A heck no to turning into animals (I wish, though) and a who knows to the immortality thing. If I could turn into any animal though, it’d have to be a dog. Because that’s the only way I could have the last word in a conversation with the furbaby.
Or how about being able to change into a wolf?
That’d be great if you got caught short needing the loo. I mean, you can go and cock your leg anywhere. Or pop a squat, depending on your plumbing). Nobody’s going to argue with a wolf, are they? Apart from that guy in that film who apparently punches a wolf right before the end credits roll. Except that apparently he doesn’t. Which is the only reason a lot of people went to see the film, I’m told.
But how about bats? I mean, can you imagine how handy it would be to be able to just explode into a cloud of bats whenever you got stuck in a socially stressful situation? Or a really boring conversation? Or both at the same time (it happens to me a lot) Because the ground never does open up and swallow you when you need it to. Just BAT! And you’re out of there.
I feel I’ve been shortchanged a bit on that one too.
Why do fictional vampires get all the cool gimmicks? Nobody mentions the OCD, the generally odd habits, or the crippling social anxiety. Oh no, it’s all “I-vont-to-trink-your-blood”, or Boof! Bat storm or children of the night driving the neighbours crazy with the ‘sweet music’ they’re making.
All that enforced staying away from everyone gave me (and probably everyone else) a lot of time to think. It was quite useful, actually. For a while, it made it easier to hide. For that past year and a half, I was just another person trying to avoid the world. The only problem was, as soon as the world started opening up again, I had to think of some new excuses/reasons to avoid everyone. Especially as a lot of people starting behaving like it had never happened.
If you have any good ones, I’d love to hear them.
Still got questions?
Then just leave them in the comments! I will definitely answer. And it won’t take me 4 years. Honest.
For anyone wanting to read all my rants in one place – including all-new exclusive stuff, then click below!
Volume 1 of my diary – why not start at the very beginning?
Volume 2 – more rants, musings and fairly useful advice
Volume 3 – things are afoot! The thot plickens…
The Everyday Vampire 