If only – aka More on Vampire Myths

I realise I’ve spent a while talking about all stuff human but it’s been ages since I’ve said anything much about the world of vampires. Well, I say world, it’s probably more a windy coorner of a long-abandoned Street in a town that’s nobody ever heard in a country where nobody goes.

I talked about stuff like coffins, reflections, biting etc ages ago, back in early 2020. I meant to follow up fairly immediately. Honest. And then the rest of 2020 really kicked in. With hobnail boots. And then I forgot. And four years passed. Because they do.

Carpe Diem

No, I don’t mean “Fish of the Day”. Hahaha! I mean seizing the moment. The trouble is, actual moments feel too small to simply grab. If a vampire decides to ‘seize the day’ (sorry, that’s the proper translation of the phrase), they’d probably end up seizing a whole week. Or month, possibly. It’s like trying to grab a tomato pip out of a bowl of soup. Or that weird little fleck that always seems to end up in your drink and no matter how hard you try, it always manages to duck out of the way.

Photo by crisdip on Pexels.com

Time passing. Yes. think that’s something right there. Ever heard a song called “Enjoy Yourself, It’s Later Than You Think”? So I guess that’s a thing with humans too? Time passing by without realising? I know that it’s a bit of a thing when somebody says they’ll be ‘five minutes’ but they end up taking way, waaaay longer, but that’s not the same, is it? Or is it? I’d be curious to hear your (polite) opinion!

Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels.com

Quick recap:

Yes to reflections, no to coffins and aargh to sunlight (though no sparkling or turning to dust). A heck no to turning into animals (I wish, though) and a who knows to the immortality thing. If I could turn into any animal though, it’d have to be a dog. Because that’s the only way I could have the last word in a conversation with the furbaby.

Or how about being able to change into a wolf?

Photo by patrice schoefolt on Pexels.com

That’d be great if you got caught short needing the loo. I mean, you can go and cock your leg anywhere. Or pop a squat, depending on your plumbing). Nobody’s going to argue with a wolf, are they? Apart from that guy in that film who apparently punches a wolf right before the end credits roll. Except that apparently he doesn’t. Which is the only reason a lot of people went to see the film, I’m told.

But how about bats? I mean, can you imagine how handy it would be to be able to just explode into a cloud of bats whenever you got stuck in a socially stressful situation? Or a really boring conversation? Or both at the same time (it happens to me a lot) Because the ground never does open up and swallow you when you need it to. Just BAT! And you’re out of there.

I feel I’ve been shortchanged a bit on that one too.

Photo by Miriam Fischer on Pexels.com

Why do fictional vampires get all the cool gimmicks? Nobody mentions the OCD, the generally odd habits, or the crippling social anxiety. Oh no, it’s all “I-vont-to-trink-your-blood”, or Boof! Bat storm or children of the night driving the neighbours crazy with the ‘sweet music’ they’re making.

All that enforced staying away from everyone gave me (and probably everyone else) a lot of time to think. It was quite useful, actually. For a while, it made it easier to hide. For that past year and a half, I was just another person trying to avoid the world. The only problem was, as soon as the world started opening up again, I had to think of some new excuses/reasons to avoid everyone. Especially as a lot of people starting behaving like it had never happened.

If you have any good ones, I’d love to hear them.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Still got questions? 

Then just leave them in the comments! I will definitely answer. And it won’t take me 4 years. Honest.

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For anyone wanting to read all my rants in one place – including all-new exclusive stuff, then click below!

Volume 1 of my diary – why not start at the very beginning?

Volume 2 – more rants, musings and fairly useful advice

Volume 3 – things are afoot! The thot plickens…

We’re Going To Need A Bigger Bloat

It’s Halloween again. It’s been 7 whole years since I first started sharing my ramblings with you. Well, nobody has asked me to stop, so… I have a little linky gifty for you. Read on…

Funnily enough, it all began with me highlighting the wondrous mind-bogglingness that is the human thought process (I did want to say human stupidity, but someone out there who’s desperately looking to be offended will probably zero in on it and get all precious on me. Seriously, who goes out of their way to cheese off a vampire?

This is where it started… with a post called “As good a day as any” Yes, I know the date says 6 years ago, but I was (slightly) young(er) and foolish(er) (er, no) at the time and decided to reblog the post, not realising that it wouldn’t just repeat the post, it physically moved the whole thing. Lesson learned.

But last year, with everything that was going on, Halloween was pretty much a non-event. This year, people are still tending to do Halloween in their own homes more, so I guess dressing up might not be as much of a thing? Correct me if I’m wrong. Go ahead. I dare you. Just joking. Or am I? Instead, it seemed to have evolved into more of a stay-at-home film fest type of thing (we’re doing an online virtual escape room this year – we found a site containing some absolute corkers! Click here to see for yourself). We also have a large amount of vampire-friendly treats ready to hand out. And if we don’t get to hand them out, we’ll probably end up scoffing the lot ourselves and ending up quite bloaty.

I know what you’re thinking…

What’s with the trick-or-treating shark?

We were looking for some films to watch over the weekend. The hubster came across a list of Halloween movies and asked how could Jaws be a Halloween film? I thought that perhaps the people who’d compiled the list had mixed two iconic horrors up – Halloween and Friday The 13th plus everyone knows the old thing of ‘fish-on-a-Friday’..?

Just wondering…

And don’t get started on the whole “Die-Hard-is-a-Cristmas-film” thing. What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

Back to sharks. Apparently, shark attacks aren’t as big a thing as people think and, according to one Florida site, sharks just nibble people if they’re confused. So, there you go – you humans are not actually on the menu! It doesn’t have any statistics for shark attacks on vampires, but that might have something to do with that gloriously sunny part of the world not being a major holiday destination for vampires on the whole.

Here’s my theory about the nibbling. Perhaps sharks are more like toddlers? Picture the scene. Mummy and Daddy Shark are trying to get fussy Little Shark to eat something. Anything. They’ve tried krill, squid, coral, oysters. Basically, everything going. And then a lightbulb moment. They present the fussy little brat with a nice squishy human. The ultimate (not so) fast food. It even comes with its own dress-up outfits and accessories!

Daddy Shark: “Doesn’t this look yummy, junior?”

Junior: “I don’t like it!”

Mummy Shark (slightly exasperated):“But you haven’t even tried it!”

Junior: “I know I won’t like it.”

Daddy Shark: “Just try a bite.”

Junior: NO.

Mummy Shark: Just one teeny weeny bite?

Junior: “It’s yucky.”

Mummy Shark: Well I’m going to try it. Hmm. Just a teensy nibble. Hmm… yum yum.”

And Junior continues to refuse to eat and starts pestering to go to Seaweed Hut instead…

Gives a whole new perspective on that Baby Shark song…

We live in a little seaside town. No sharks. Amazing beaches with absolutely no danger of being eaten, bitten or even nibbled. Even by me – you know my rule. Although that theory (and my patience) has been tested recently.

You see, it’s school autumn break over here, which means our picturesque (and perfectly safe) little town is once more overrun with tourists. And we’re not talking the ‘pay for everything with a fresh £50 note’ type that I mentioned last time. Not only do they lack basic social awareness (and coming from me, that’s saying something!) they even seem to lack basic life skills. Additional lack of mathematical knowledge seems to be the current trend. Some examples…

The ‘herder’ – having no awareness of space or distance, these are the ones who gather in huge groups in the very middle of the pavement, often taking up the entire pavement. Consequently, everyone else is forced off the pavement, herded into the road and into the path of oncoming traffic.

The ‘can’t-count-to-6’ – The other day, the hubster and I were in the local grocer buying something for lunch. The thing is, here, facemasks are still legally required. Over the border, pretty much anything goes nowadays. Back to normal. Let’s all do exactly what we want. Just much, much louder. Plus many places here still have a set number of people allowed in. In this particular shop, that number is six. As we are having to buy quite a lot of items, both of us had gone in. So there we were, and at the front of the queue were three people, all clearly from the same group but only one of them was doing any shopping. They’d been in there a long time already. In between them and us was another person.

Six.

Another potential customer on their lunch break steps into the shop, does a quick headcount, makes an apologetic exclamation and leaves. This sensible soul is then pushed out of the way by person number four from the group at the front of the queue. They’re asked politely to leave the shop as only six are legally allowed inside. “oh, it’s alright.” They say, grinning inanely, “I’m with them.” And they point to the three people from their group who are all busy videoing the pasties but still can’t seem to decide between buying a single sausage roll or a pizza slice. All three staff numbers take it in turns to explain why they have to leave the shop. Pandemic. Social distancing. The law. Maximum of six in the shop. The stupid grin just grows wider. They stand their ground, nodding. Soon, the other customers start joining in and pleading with this genius to leave. “It’s okay,” they grin, even more inanely, “I’m not buying anything.”

And that’s supposed to make it better?

Anyway, staff members stop short of walking the person out of the store by simply serving the rest of the group as quickly as possible whereupon they all meander out. It turns out that there’s at least another half dozen of them waiting outside on the very narrow pavement which puts the rest of them into category one – the herder.

And, just one more…

The ‘no-idea-of-distance’ – this one really got my goat. I mean, you know how careful (paranoid, even) I am about keeping my distance from people. So, we’re in the queue at the mini-market, standing the statutory distance from the person in front, if not a little further. Obviously, we have no idea what’s going on behind us, but that’s not the issue. Anyway, the person in front turns around and starts yelling at us to move back, that we’re not keeping far enough away from them. We try to point out that we were indeed more than far enough away but they continue screaming at us. I’d love to know how they could tell we were apparently too close when we were standing behind them! So – complete inability to judge distances but special talent: eyes in back of head.

Anyway, they paid for their groceries (after making an inordinate amount of actual physical contact with the person serving them) and eventually trotted out and returned (I’m guessing) to their gingerbread cottage. They were probably in a bad mood because their oven had gone out and they needed to get it ready for the children that might be trotting their way this weekend. You can never tell, can you?

Still, enough of this nonsense. Have a great weekend, everyone. Take the bestest care of yourselves. Let me know in the comments what you’ve got planned. I’d also love to hear from anyone who’s tried out the escape rooms in the above link.

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For anyone wanting to read all my rants in one place – including all-new exclusive stuff, then click below!

Volume 1 of my diary – why not start at the very beginning?

Volume 2 – more rants, musings and fairly useful advice

Volume 3 – things are afoot! The thot plickens…

This is…not Sparta

Happy Solstice, everyone!

For once, I am actually looking forward to the impending Spring. I do enjoy a good impend, don’t you? And a good spring too, come to think of it. It’s my own fault really, I should never have installed that weather app on my phone. It’s become a go-to thing when I don’t already have enough to worry about. I don’t know about anybody else but just looking at that calendar and seeing that there is never going to be any dry weather ever again can be a bit of a downer.

I mean, I know I don’t like sunny weather but at the same time the weather does take the mickey a bit sometimes with the amount of rain it pushes out. Do you know, there was one day when me and the hubster were walking about in a nearby town and we got caught by some drops of rain and there wasn’t even any clouds in the sky!

But all that rain is soon to pay off ha ha ha because we have begun gardening in earnest. After seeing the carefree way in which some people grope unwrapped food in supermarkets recently, we’re only too happy to try being a little more self-sufficient. Especially seeing as we have the garden. It will certainly be a challenge for the fur baby as she navigates the way around, trying to find a good place to sprinkle when she tinkles (that’s a phrase which I say – rather loudly – when we are out for a walk as she can be quite slow and deliberate when she answers the call of nature. I don’t want anybody thinking I’m one of those dog parents who will leave Mr Woofles to unload their last few meals and then walk off, with nary a care nor a fully-loaded poo bag).

Anyway, back on track. Yes, it’s been raining here. A lot. It does that. As I’ve said before, anything over 0% probability predicted rain usually translates to 100% certainty. And yes, we have got some seeds starting off, ready to plant out if ever the seedlings decide to make an appearance. I’ve decided that lettuce are like Labradors – eager to please and flipping well everywhere. Or perhaps that was just me being clumsy with the seeds. Asparagus are possibly the snobbiest and entitled seeds I’ve ever come across.

But the cold. At least that is hopefully on its way out. The conservatory has gone from a chilly 10 degrees to a better-check-that-again 27 degrees. Let’s see if the rest of the little beggars will germinate now. At least the house is warm. I have a very useful tip for you in a minute. Bear with me.

Ever done this?

Our boiler broke back in November. Because that’s what they do, isn’t it? Wait until winter is just about to set in and decide to do a mic drop on you. Talk about ‘Elvis has left the building’. You see, when we first moved in, we’d moved from a teeny flat where the boiler was about your average size, sat on the wall, minding its own business (and even that was a replacement – but more about that in a minute). So when we first viewed this place and saw a teeny-tiny boiler on the wall of the utility room, we did wonder how it managed to produce enough hot water for the TARDIS-like house. but hey, we thought, there’s also a nice big (like, the size of a small car) washing machine included in the price.

Wrong.

And wrong stupid.

The boiler? That was just for the sink underneath.

The ‘washing machine’?

Yup. You guessed. It was the boiler. And now it suddenly seemed way too big for the house, no matter how Gallifreyan. And it was about 30 years old, though at the time it had been top of the range, apparently. The equivalent of parking your flying car outside with the other Ford Model Ts. I don’t know why I seem to be drawn to places where the boiler is on its last legs.

Because this happened at my last place too.

Except it decided to go bang-bang-goodbye right in the middle of one of the coldest winters since records began (or so the papers said). Although I imagine nobody bothered keeping the records too accurately at the time, given that their fingers were probably frozen and they were too busy warming them on mugs of hot tea.

You know it’s cold when you have to warm your hands up under the hot tap. You know its really cold when you have to warm your hands up under the cold tap…

So there I was, snow piling up outside (when it wasn’t being flung around by winds that could lift you off your feet), in a place that was barely 5 degrees centigrade/41 degrees Fahrenheit. At the time, I rarely watched television (mostly because I didn’t have one), preferring to watch streaming things on my laptop which was linked to a projector.

Two important points about projectors:

1) who needs a 90 inch tv when you’ve got one of these beauties?

and

2) they kick out a lot of heat. I mean, a lot.

So, I ended up huddling next to my film projector to stay warm. And luckily, I did find a lovely plumber who came and fitted a new one fairly promptly. Likewise here. We found an amazing guy who basically saved our necks by dropping everything and replacing the small-car-sized not-washing-machine.

And the title?

Well, that’s because I realised with the first boiler just how adept vampires are at adapting to changing circumstances (even if we do hate change with an absolute passion). And certainly, while I wouldn’t have wanted to live like that for ever, a few months didn’t hurt me. The realisation dawned one night while I was cosying up to my projector, watching a film about the Spartans. And then I remembered how much I’d admired them as a child.

And the tip?

Well, it’s funny how both boilers went wrong either at the start of winter, or in the middle of one. So imagine this.

You’re a runner. You love running. But you only run during the winter months. During the rest of the year, the couch is your friend. TV binges are also your friend. Basically, you do absolutely nothing for 9 months of the year. Moss starts growing on you. Then, on the first day of winter, your running buddy knocks on your door and says “Hey, I’m just on my way to do an ultra marathon. Join me?”

Would you be able to do it?

I’m guessing not.

So, just like with your own movement/fitness levels, you have to give these once-a-year rockstars a regular workout. Make a point of giving your boiler something to do every now and again. Perhaps put the heating on for a while during a cooler summer/autumn evening. At least that way, the poor machine won’t be too shocked when you expect it to work full tilt for three months straight.

Which reminds me, I better go and check the pressure. See you later.

Food, laborious food

So… what is this continued obsession with what vampires do or don’t eat? I think it might have kicked off once more because Netflix have recently added a certain series of vampire films to their catalogue. Here we go again. Yes, I do eat food. Probably far too much. And I love cooking.

I do have ways of getting around the blood drinking thing. I know I’ve already shared a recipe before now for one of my little top-ups. I call it my A+ juice, because it’s that good, plus hey, you know… blood groups. But mostly because it amuses me.

Here it is again, folks. Great if you need a little lift.

My A+ Juice

• 1 beetroot
• 3 or 4 chunks of broccoli
• 5 or 6 curly kale leaves
• ¼ of a pomegranate
• 2 apples
• ½ a lemon
• a couple of sprigs of mint
  Just throw everything into a juicer and press go. Well, you know your own juicer. The one thing I would say is to alternate shoving through the kale with softer, juicier bits like the apples and the lemon because kale can be tough. I mean, basically you’re shoving the equivalent of a small tree through your blender.

And I don’t know why, but a certain scene from the film Fargo just flashed through my mind.

Yikes.

Anyway, food becomes a particular focus at this time of year. It’s the most wonderful time of the year when everyone panic-buys 3 months’ worth of food to cover themselves for the (at most) 24 hours that the shops will be shut. And nowadays, even that amount of time is shrinking rapidly.

Every time I go out shopping for the moment, I see people (quite often the same ones) with another piled-high trolley full of turkey, sausages, beef, pork, pork pies, ham. All the dead stuff. I’m always quite happy to let them go in front of me. It’s all the stuff that, as a vampire, I won’t touch. That, plus all the cheese, and cream and goodness knows what else.

But how can a vampire be plant-based (or whatever the phrase is)? I hear absolutely nobody asking (probably because they’ve already asked it). It’s quite simple, really. It’s the same reason that vampires have stuck to blood for centuries. It’s simply because the after-effects of eating normal human food can be so frightening. It’s just not worth the risk.

And given that the first recorded vampire was in the late 17th century (and in literature in the early 1800s) and the first recorded use of the concept of veganism wasn’t until November 1944, you can see immediately that there is a problem with the timing. 

I know somebody (human) who had a bad experience with a loaf of sourdough bread. It wasn’t even a whole loaf. It was just one slice of a loaf of sourdough bread, actually. They were massively ill and never went near it again, because of the problems that one slice had caused them. In truth, the problem was more likely the six vodkas they’d necked beforehand but it appears that it was the one slice of sourdough bread that tipped the balance for them. I might add they still drink the vodka but sourdough bread – no freaking way!

So you can probably see the issue – in a time when I’m guessing not much was known about food allergies and intolerances, it might have been relatively easy to eat something, feel ill, and get the wrong end of the stick. And probably try eating the stick as well, to be honest.

Picture it – all it would take would be an intolerance to one thing, and it could be enough to throw you. Example – you have a problem with digesting wheat. And you have bread with every meal. After every meal, you feel like Mount Vesuvius at both ends and the seventh level of hell in the middle. It wouldn’t take you long to think that all food is a problem. So you lay off the food, stick to drinking blood (which, I’m assuming) is wheat free and – bingo – no eruptions from any orifice.

That’s how myths are born, folks…

So, what are we having for Christmas dinner? Well, this is our first Christmas at home since the hubster turned vegan. We did a trial run with a magnificent stuffed homemade ‘turkey’ style roast, the recipe for which I discovered online. It’s big, too. We did try a number of shop-bought ones but, in our price range, they weren’t much bigger than grapefruits. In fact, even the ones outside our price range weren’t much bigger. And you just don’t get that ‘Voilà’ factor when you carry a grapefruit-sized thing to the table.

This has got the ‘voilà’, the ‘ooh’, the ‘ahh’, the ‘ta-dah’ – all the factors.

And it’s really, really easy to make. It’s great cold, too. And it freezes like a dream. Plus the hubster gets to do the primeval man thing with the big knife on the day. Everybody wins. Especially the turkeys. (Click this link right now to find out why! I’ll be here when you get back)

And of course, we’ll all be so food-centred that for a few days, we’ll just keep eating because we’ll have no idea what day it actually is…

So there you go. Some vampires stick to blood alone because the bad reactions to some foods just isn’t worth the risk. The rest of us do, because we’ve worked out which ones we can have.

I first mentioned it back in 2014, and it’s only taken me 6 years to get back to what I was saying originally. Doing well, really.

Like I’ve said before, vampires get distracted. Easily. Very easily. And as it’s now the season of sparkly things, I don’t stand a chance…

See you in the new year!

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• Volume 1
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Myths and Mysteries

Right. What shall we talk about today..?

I’m thinking this should probably be a part 1 kind of thing.

Actually, now might be a pretty good time for a bit of a recap. If you’re new to all this, it’ll save you time and if you’ve been with me since the beginning, then you know my tendency to repeat myself. Well, at least this time, it’ll be on purpose.

And if you want to be thorough, I’ll link in previous posts… ’cause I’m pedantic like that.

First off, let’s get the biggie out of the way.

Yes, vampires do exist. Obviously. Or I wouldn’t be here, talking to you.

Okay, so I’m technically not here. Well, not your ‘here’. I mean my ‘here’. And technically, I’m not talking. Unless you’ve got one of those cool apps that reads the text off a screen. Actually, I saw this really neat gadget the other day that you attach to glasses that’ll do exactly that – but I’m distracting myself. Terrible problem.

And I just love the dictate function on tablets and phones etc. Seek and ye shall find? Well, this is speak, and it shall type. So handy. Especially as sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers. My mouth doesn’t work as fast as my brain either, but it does go a darn sight faster than my stubby little digits.

And there I go again. I go off track more often than a dirt bike.

There are so many myths surrounding vampires. Some are spot on. Some… well, let’s just say that some people got the wrong end of the stick. I can’t believe I just said that. And some are partly true – but not for the reason you’d think.

So here are a few FAQs…

• reflections – yes, I have one. So does pretty much anything. Including the wall opposite the mirror. But I do hate mirrors, although you can chalk that one up to childhood trauma (as can about 90% of human experience).

 

• sunlight – no sizzling, fizzling or spontaneous combustion. Just a tendency to walk into things because I can’t flipping see in normal to bright sunlight. And there’s the sunburn.

Don’t forget the sunburn. I know I don’t.

 

• bites and turning – I have to admit, I’m not sure. Not really much research. I know the Monies Powers That Be will fund some glaringly obvious studies (e.g. sword-swallowing can be dangerous – who knew?!), somehow rocking up to a finance committee asking for £300,000 to go ’round biting people wouldn’t go down too well. Or it could be the best ever episode of Dragon’s Den. Not that I watch it but, you know, you hear things…

• reincarnation/one true love – faces, like history, keep repeating themselves. but I’ve only recently talked about that one, so…

 

• immortality – well, I’m still here, into my 2nd glorious century! But then, so is anyone over the age of 20…

 

• the drinking blood thing – vampires are usually portrayed as avoiding all human food… well, there’s allergies – food allergies abound. Traditionally, vampires stick to blood because trying to find food that won’t have us impersonating the Trevi Fountain is just too much of a faff.

 

• turning into animals –  have you ever noticed that the animals that vampires are supposed to turn into tend to be ones that get used as insults? Daft old bat, hound, what a dog etc. You can just imagine it, can’t you? The postman has just delivered post to the Dracula household. It’s bad enough that he’s had to traipse up a particularly precarious slope to reach the manky, gloomy old castle teetering on top of an especially treacherous precipice (someone should really call the Council). but then he knocks and for once, waits for an answer. None of this tickling the doorbell then leaving a “Sorry We Missed You” card.

And, because it’s about ten-to-sunrise o’clock, the door gets opened by the grumpy resident, who’s more interested in getting some kip than receiving all the latest offers from the local pizza parlour. He grabs his mail (including the blackout curtains he ordered from eBay), growls at the hapless postie and beats a hasty exit to avoid the oncoming daylight.

And the postman gets back to the office, exhausted from the climb (and no doubt the stumbling back down – remember precarious?), cheesed off because it’s only the start of the shift and he’s already been barked at (see where I’m going with this?). A colleague asks what’s wrong (because the postie’s colleagues are a caring lot).

“What’s wrong?” he says. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I nearly got killed delivering a parcel to that castle on top of the hill. And when I get there, some grumpy old bat answers the door, growls at me then disappears like a puff of smoke!”

“He’s a bat?!” yelps the colleague, “Then he turns into a dog and vanishes into a puff of smoke?”

And that, folks, is how rumours start.

And then the rumours become legend.

 

• sleeping in a coffin – no, but it’d be about the only way I’d ever sleep on my back. I just prefer sleeping on my side. Coffin with a stretchy lid, perhaps? Otherwise – shoulder problems. Those things aren’t very deep, and I’ve got broad shoulders. Plus I’m an awful fidget – especially when asleep. Ever seen a jumping bean? That’d be me, trying to sleep in a coffin. Plus – claustrophobia!

 

• Being invited in? It’s just manners. Picture this: someone knocks on your door. You open it. They barge in. How would you feel? Threatened? Uncomfortable?  Most people with manners will wait to be invited in. I say most… I mean the ones who have retained any sense of decorum and etiquette.  I suppose vampires just take things a step further.  There’s the tendency to extrapolate. Or, as I like to call it – overthink. So if you let a vampire in, you’re giving them carte blanche to do… well, what vampires do. Me, it’s mostly sit quietly and eat biscuits. Those nice pink wafers if you’ve got them. I like pink wafers. You see, we are asking permission not just to have that carte blanche, but to keep it handy whenever we need it. I say we…

Oops, I’ve been rambling again, haven’t I? Thanks for the patience. You’re definitely one of the better humans. This is definitely going to be a two-parter, I think.

Got a burning question? 

Then just leave it in the comments!

Ask, and I will answer. Or at least, I’ll have every intention of answering, but I might get distracted. No, I will answer. Honest. But I do get distracted… I’ll absolutely do my best. Ooh, what was tha-

 

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I’ve seen that face before…

One thing I forgot to talk about a short time ago. About time. The myth about the vampire’s soulmate – the one true love.

We always get the old cliché in the films of the vampire pining for his Lost Love. Naturally, she’s always exquisitely beautiful and always, always featured in a huge oil painting that dominates somewhere or other in the vampire’s gothic bachelor pad.

And then a modern beauty appears (who’s played by the same actress that posed for the portrait during the film’s pre-production period), and the vampire and his companion exchange comments about how very like ‘her’ ‘she’ is.

They finally meet; everyone assumes ‘she’ is the reincarnation of ‘her’ and all goes swimmingly until someone (usually the young woman’s current significant other) kebabs the vampire with a stake. Usually a sharpened chair leg. You just can’t get decent stakes from B&Q / Homebase / Home Depot.

Reincarnation? Pfft. More like the lookie-likey thing. Having ‘one of those faces’…

It’s the time thing again.

A month goes by for a human, but for a vampire, it only feels like a few minutes. So, when Dracula saw Mina, he probably just thought it was his old girlfriend who’d simply been a little longer than usual popping out for the newspaper and a pint of milk.

But of course, it wouldn’t have been milk, would it?

“I never drink… semi-skimmed.”

It doesn’t work, does it?

Sorry, I couldn’t help but have a little play with the clichés. You know what I’m like. We could actually play a game, couldn’t we? “Spot the Cliché”. A bit like “Spot the Difference” but without the nagging certainty of failure. I’ve spotted four. Please feel free to comment if you managed to find more!

I’ve done similar things. I’m regularly getting ready to say hello to someone until I realise that it’s not them. In fact, ‘them’ is actually back in the English town I left nearly three years ago.
Like, last week, I bumped into the caretaker from somewhere I used to work. But it wasn’t him. Of course it wasn’t. Him would be back in England, caretaking, and not trying to avoid treading in a puddle in South Wales. These poor souls just look like ‘them’.

Oh! And yesterday, I popped out to the shop (not for milk, obviously), and I saw someone I met when I first moved to England. I was about to wave and say “Hi, Janet!” but stopped myself just in time. One reason being – again, obviously – that her name isn’t/wasn’t Janet. I’ve changed it, haven’t I… The main reason being that the ‘Janet’ I knew was in her late 20s when I met her. And yes, while this ‘Janet’ was also in her late 20s, the realisation hit me – I met Janet ‘Janet’ over 30 years ago.

Thank goodness I wasn’t going in for a hug…

Over the years, I’ve seen dozens of people I thought I knew, only to realise in the nick of time that it couldn’t possibly be them.  And that’s only a few years.

So how messed would your memory get after a couple of centuries?

May I just point out one thing – unlike the fictional vampires in the movies, I don’t keep portraits of anyone on the wall, however well I knew them…

Just in case you were worrying.

 

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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Now, although this is being posted on New Year’s Day, I severely doubt whether anyone will see it for a few days.

So – are you the first one to read this?

Ooh! A challenge!

As soon as you read this, why not leave a ‘hello’ in the comments and see who’s the first, and how long it takes!

I know how much you lovely humans love your challenges… Stoptober, Movember, Dry-whatsit. So let’s start as you mean to go on – Beganuary. ‘Cause once you begin the New Year with a challenge, why not carry on?

Cue quotes about always doing what you’ve always done; anecdotes about comfort zones, etc.

Resolutions or revolutions?

As I think I probably said before, New Years Resolutions were traditionally made on the Winter Solstice. Perhaps they lasted longer that way. Perhaps they should call this month Janu-wary, because we’re all a bit sceptical about anyone who announces a resolution and says ‘but this year, I’m sticking to it!’

So how did this month get its name?

Well, blame it – not on the boogie – but on a Roman god called Janus. He was a two-faced god, with one face er, facing the past, and the other, the future. So in terms of reflecting on what’s gone before and looking ahead to new possibilities, he’s the perfect guy for the job. Well, perfect something. Essentially, a two-faced god of transitioning.

So be very Janu-wary if you catch anyone calling themselves a ‘god/goddess-in-training’ – they might be fashioning themselves after Janus!

What does the new year hold for you?

For me, it’s actually putting together everything I was half-heartedly doing last year. Getting more organised, planning stuff like fitness, and so on and so forth.

But looking on the bright side… I’ve always said that I have the hearing of a bat and the eyesight to match… this is the year that I get 2020 vision.

I’ll get my coat.

Christmas grEATings

And how are you all today? Ready for the annual festival celebrating new hope and over-indulgence?

Or is that Easter?

Anyway, it’s getting close now – only a week away.

Shopping to do…

Shelf elves to coerce…

Frantic buying of reindeer food.

Batman psyching himself up for comments about his personal hygiene.

And of course, trying to remember the actual words to Christmas Carols and not the versions that involve the three kings and various forms of automotive transport.

But this year is going to be interesting in the Everyday household. As you know, my vampire constitution, despite being ox-like, means that eating/drinking animal products is a no/no.

This is why vampires in the movies stick to blood – it’s just easier.

That’s just plain lazy if you ask me. I know you didn’t. But those ones are fictional, so I can be a bit cheeky if I want.

And I want.

Back in the day, I’m guessing finding suitable food – or any food – might have been tricky, but these days we’re spoilt for choice. Need to find something dairy/gluten/sugar-free? There’s an app for that.

But finding it back then? Here’s your turnip, madam. Boxes ticked.

Ah! This Christmas. Right. That’s where I was. Yes. This year, Christmas is going to be a bit different. And Christmas dinner will be unrecognisable.

The hubster has gone vegan. He made the change when he did Veganuary – in February. It was only going to be a month until he looked into it a bit further…

It makes my life a lot easier, I can tell you! Nothing in the fridge, freezer, bathroom can now send my vampire immune system into overdrive.

But Christmas dinner this year? No cooking two different meals.

When does the whole turkey thing come from anyway?

Blame Henry VIII.

He started it. Normally beef or chicken would be eaten, but farmers needed the cows for milk and the chickens for eggs. Did you know that over 80% of humans believe that Christmas wouldn’t be the same without turkey? I don’t think anybody asked the turkeys.

If you watch/read/listen to A Christmas Carol, the Cratchits have a goose, while Scrooge spoils them with a massive turkey. Thanks to old King Turkey Leg Henry, Turkey became the thing that rich people ate. Goose was for the impoverished masses. But nowadays, I’ve noticed that turkey is considered a bit meh amongst humans. Goose seems to be the ‘in’ bird. Onwards and outwards with different, better birds, it seems.

Except for turducken.

I don’t know how anyone can eat something that has ‘turd’ as its first syllable.

So the whole point of the Cratchits being so poor that they can only afford a goose is a bit lost on modern audiences/readers.

Therefore, is turkey the be-all-and-end-all of a Christmas dinner? Apparently not.

We’re having a home-made turkey-style plant-based roast, with all the trimmings. Stuffing (it’s bread, herbs, onion – nothing dodgy there). Pigs in blankets – now there, there will be a concession. But it’s still just (meat-free) sausages wrapped in (meat-free) bacon. Sprouts (I love ’em, the hubster hates them), carrots, cabbage, peas (did you know peas are a good source of protein?) and of course… roast potatoes. Ahhhh… roast potatoes…

Aaaaand… I’m back in the room.

Actually, just give me a plateful of them babies with some gravy and you probably won’t see me until Boxing Day. The trick is to use floury potatoes that, when they’re boiled, get kind of crumbly on the outside. Once you’ve drained them, rough ’em up a bit by shiggling the pan. Trust me, shiggling is most definitely a thing. Put a couple of spoonfuls of oil in a roasting pan and heat it up. I like rice bran oil, but anything with a high smoking point works.

Then put the potatoes in when the oil is hot, get ’em coated and blast them in the oven for about 30 minutes. Basically however long it takes to get them all golden and crusty and now I’m starting to drool.

Anyway, on that note, I’m off to find a mince pie or piece of stollen. I’m hungry.

What will be on your table this Christmas? I’d love to know!